As we all know, attaining beauty is like completing a 5,000-piece puzzle in a timeshare log cabin basement. It’s always expensive to obtain, it requires time and patience we usually don’t have, and we have to be punishingly methodical or extremely lucky in order to do it right. Luckily, magazines have provided a plethora of quick tips on how to properly categorize aspects of your body to make the process a little faster—and it’s much more efficient than assigning all the red pieces to one friend and all the edge pieces to another. If you’ve ever wondered why your face looks so bad with everything, this is the article for you!
There are seven different face shapes, just like the seven colors of the rainbow! When Sir Isaac Newton first categorized the color spectrum, he intentionally chose the number seven because, as a diehard Pythagoras fan, he believed the number seven had magical lucky properties. He just threw in the color indigo—a term normally reserved for woo-woo types—so he could have a lucky amount of colors. To keep up with tradition, this list will have its own totally arbitrary “indigo” face shape that is just a blend of other face shapes.
To begin, take a good, hard look at yourself in the mirror. Only this time, instead of reflecting on your past mistakes and place in the universe, actually look at your face. What’s the widest part of your face? The longest? Is your jaw rounded? Angular? Pointy? You’re probably used to scrutinizing your looks for the sake of beauty so this step shouldn’t take too long. Once you’re done with that, read the face descriptions below to find the one that best matches yours.
OVAL
Your face is longer than it is wide, with smooth, even proportions. It perfectly aligns with our everlasting, scientifically-proven, completely unbiased standards of beauty, and for that, you should be respected. For makeup, we recommend using Glossier products, which were made for people like you in mind. Accessorize your face with incessant humblebragging, such as “I keep buying too many hats because I just look so good in them!” or “Ugh, it’s so embarrassing when cashiers give me their employee discount when I buy my almond butter…” or “I AM THE MOLD YOU CONTORT YOURSELVES INTO!”
Celebrities with your face shape: Beyonce, presumably Aphrodite
ROUND
Aww, widdle baby. Your face is as wong as it is wide, with no anguwar featuwes. To downpway the wide-cheeked, youthful affect your face has, we wecommend shouwder-wength stywes with wots of wayers and cawwying a bwiefcase awound at all times.
Cewebwities with your face shape: Sewena Gomez, the Guhbuh Baby
SQUARE
Like round faces, your face is as long as it is wide, with an angular jaw and a wide forehead. One issue with your face shape is that people will assume you aren’t any fun. To soften your features (because they must be softened) we recommend wispy layers and side-swept bangs—essentially you should be recreating the year 2005 on your head. To offset your no-nonsense exterior, consider occasionally wearing a clown nose.
Celebrities with your face shape: Demi Lovato and SpongeBob Squarepants
HEART
If you have a wide forehead and a strong jaw that tapers to a point, your face is heart-shaped! Like love itself, at times you are soft and welcoming and at times you are piercing and sharp. Lean into the romance of it all! Big, full hair a la Kate Bush will complement your jawline, accompany it with a rain-soaked white dress, and consider investing in a fainting couch.
Celebrities with your face shape: Amanda Seyfried, Zooey Deschanel, and the heart-shaped pillow from Ikea with those welcoming arms that you want to wrap around yourself and take a long, shaky breath
DIAMOND
This is it. This is the indigo face shape. If your face is widest at its cheekbones and has an angular jaw, you have a “diamond” shape. We just did this to please the ghost of Pythagoras. Take a look at the heart and square sections for some ideas, I don’t know. Alternatively, take the indigo label in stride and claim that your face shape puts you on a higher level of vibrations than most humans.
Celebrities with your face shape: Anna Kendrick and JLo (We think?)
RECTANGLE / OBLONG
If your face is twice as long as it is wide and you have a straight jawline, you have an oblong or rectangular face. People will often ask you, “Why the long face?” and you can say, “My face has just fallen short of the Chosen Face Shape, the Ovals.” To conceal your shameful face crimes, consider getting bangs.
Celebrities with your face shape: Alexa Chung and Bojack Horseman
TRIANGLE / PEAR SHAPED
If you have a narrower forehead and a wider jaw, your face is triangular! Give the illusion of a wider forehead by placing small mirrors on your temples. Next to heart, your face shape is the most likely to be tattooed on someone’s arm. But be wary of people with triangle-shaped faces, especially in pairs. Why? A triangle has three sides. Three. If you have two people with triangle-shaped faces, that’s six sides total. Six. Three. Three sixes. Six… six… six! A sign of the Antichrist! Ahhhh!
Celebrities with your face shape: Ellie Kemper, the Pyramids of Giza
