Nov. 15, 2016—On Tuesday morning, all 7.4 billion human beings woke up to find that they had slipped into a weeklong coma-like state, during which the waking nightmare of a Trump presidency had fortunately only been a mass delusion.
The nation’s scientists held a press conference this morning to address preliminary questions. Dr. Angela Price of the National Institutes of Health noted that while “the mass delusion is an unprecedented event that contradicts much of what we thought to be possible about biology, psychology, physics, and the general nature of reality, which we may never fully be able to comprehend,” they will now “at least not have to worry about not having the funding to research it.”
Waking from seven days of unconsciousness is an enigmatic event sure to traumatize many of our nation’s youth for years to come, though not as traumatic as watching their classmates be slaughtered by military-grade weapons in school only to have an NRA-beholden President fail to make meaningful commitments to ban such weapons.
FEMA has begun to assemble a task force to address the myriad of implications stemming from an event of this magnitude, the long-term effects of which pale in comparison to the effects on our social and governmental institutions of having an unprepared ignoramus of unparalleled proportions as president. A spokesperson for the organization also said they are going to “try their best not to fuck up the Puerto Rico disaster response this time around,” seeing as they now have nearly a year to plan ahead for Hurricane Maria.
Firefighters in Utah have spent much of the day responding to a small brush fire that began when a truck driver crashed after slipping into the delusion while behind the wheel. The fire is mostly contained after spreading through an area of Bears Ears National Monument, which is at least still part of the national monument.
President Obama issued a statement saying that while he was enjoying being done with the presidency and is disappointed the “pretty sick” water ski tricks he pulled off were only a delusion, he is happy to know his successor will not be an inexperienced, egotistical con man who spread hateful rhetoric throughout his entire campaign. The President stated that he is happy to know that numerous legislative accomplishments of his administration will not be reversed simply do to a spiteful desire to dismantle his legacy.
Mark Zuckerberg also weighed in on the implications of the mass delusion today. The wealthy CEO said during a Facebook livestream that he is happy to learn the company was not successfully used as a propaganda tool by a foreign government to influence our election. He promised that he has “tasked a team of top programmers to optimize Facebook’s advertising revenue to make as much profit as possible before the social media platform inevitably leads to the collapse of journalism, independent online media, and the general concept of truth in our society.”
Stacey McKenzie, a substitute teacher from New York, chose not to vote in the presidential election but noted that she was happy to find out that the next president would not be a man that 18 women have accused of sexual misconduct on the record. “Hillary just wasn’t my ideal candidate,” she said, “but sexism in America couldn’t possibly have been so strong that people would rather vote for a man with documented predatory behavior towards women than a woman. Deep down, I think I knew it wasn’t real.”
John Nelson, a small business-owner from California, finds Tuesday morning’s revelation to be comforting. “Of course it was a delusion,” he said. “That was simply too absurd and awful to really happen. We wouldn’t let that actually happen in America. It just couldn’t, y’know?”
The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association noted a small uptick in global carbon dioxide emissions today, likely due to a higher than normal number of deep sighs of relief around the globe.
This article was originally published in our May/April 2018 print edition